Watch me rise.

Audio

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 21:22:28 -0400

Just heard my little brother laughing while reading a book. It’s the simple things that can...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 20:07:31 -0400

Just heard my little brother laughing while reading a book. It’s the simple things that can make us smile. Like a good book.

Feeling super lost.

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 00:59:50 -0500

Feeling super lost.

Love Story meets Viva La Vida

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 03:08:53 -0500

Love Story meets Viva La Vida

Just InTime

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 03:07:26 -0500

This entire month was probably the most strenuous and stressful time. Last time I felt this way was 5 years ago. There was not even a single day of rest for me. Every day I would wake up to the same old problems from the day before and only find that there were more issues awaiting me as the day went on. I really thought I was going to go a little crazy with all the anxiety and panic attacks I was having.

Today was probably the peak of the roller coaster. Numerous things went wrong all at once and I just couldn’t take it anymore so I bawled for a good hour. Thankfully, He was looking out for me and provided me with amazing people to comfort me.

About three hours ago (12 AM) I finally came to my senses and grasped the idea that life is not going to give me breaks. I should have known this from the start but sometimes I think that I can just put life on pause so that I can catch up. But I can’t do that and that’s just the hard truth.

I asked God to really just help me get through all this mess I was in. Because there was no way I could get out of it.

Two hours ago (1:30 AM) Randomly, and I mean RANDOMLY, I asked my brother if he could go out and check the mail to see if our refund check from FAFSA had come. I don’t know why I asked him to do it because I had called NOVA on Saturday and they told me that my refund check had literally JUST been processed and I shouldn’t expect anything until the middle of March. (Which was a total bummer because I had a lot of things I needed to pay for by the end of February). But anyway, so John went out and checked the mail.

Guys, I got my refund check.

There really is no one else to thank but God.

I Messed Up... Again

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 21:06:39 -0500

I don’t think I can ever get myself out of this situation.

One On One with The One

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 02:19:28 -0500

So I am getting back into spending time with God and it honestly feels so good. I can slowly see my life making changes and my desires turning towards Him. Right now I’m reading Jeremiah and this book really helps me understand the severity of my sins. It’s not something I can just lightly push aside. I’m constantly asking Him to give me the strength to turn away from temptation and to look to Him in times of need.

And He is doing just that.

How Bad Do I Want It?

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 21:07:52 -0500

I distanced myself a whole lot with God. I think the reason why is because I don’t want to be forgiven because I know I’m going to screw up again. I hate being disappointed by others so I can only imagine how annoying and frustrating it may be for Him. And I know many people believe that He never gets tired of forgiving, but it’s just hard for ME to forgive myself.

But I do want Him in my life. I do want Him to be the center of everything I do.

But in order to have Him in the center, I have to reorganize my priorities because He is not anywhere near the top of my list.

I want Jesus. I want all of Him. That’s not the hard part because He has already given me all of Him. The most challenging aspect about this whole relationship is the fact that I can’t give Him all of me.

To be honest.. No matter how hard something is in life.. Even if it has nothing to do with religion.. When it comes down to something you absolutely want and desire, you will do everything and anything to get that thing.

So in my case.. If I really want to have Him in the center of my life, then I need to lose myself first. I need to get rid of MY personal desires and realize that He can’t just be something I desire. But someone I absolutely need.

So yeah.. How bad do I want You?

God is Good

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 01:16:02 -0500

Wow, Father. You are so good to me. I love You. You see me as this beautiful child of Yours. You take me under Your wings and cradle me. You discipline me when I am making poor decisions. And then You forgive me and guide me to the right path. You have loving people surround me at all times. You remind me every day that there is none like You. You know me inside and out. And You still love me. There has never been a moment when You rejected me. Thank You for accepting me when no one else would. I love You. I need You. Daddy, I love You.

Future Husband.....

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 02:27:01 -0500

I wonder who my husband will be. What he will look like, what his morals are, what is important to him, what his standards and expectations are. I wonder where he is right at this moment. Are we going to enjoy the same things? Is he going to be anything like me? Will I be 100% comfortable with him? I hope so because I would like to show my fanfictions to him… Tehe. Sigh :) Can’t wait to meet you, love! Until then, keep praying to meet me! Stay safe and sleep well tonight!

Tsk, tsk tsk

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 02:20:38 -0500

I’m sitting here trying to getcalm. I am trying so hard to forgive you because it was in the past, but how can you be so.. Ignorant to think that it is okay to talk to this person the way you do. You swear that you’re not doing anything wrong and that’s the part that blows my mind. Because you do know, you’re just trying to play dumb. This is exactly why I don’t trust you. You think you are so manipulative, secretive, and sly but you really aren’t. You may be fooling all your family and friends into thinking you’re this honest and innocent person, but I know you. I know what you did. And I’m just sitting here waiting for you to come to me on your own. Because I know if I brought it up to you, you would run because that’s what you’re good at. Running away.

Sinking in Sin

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 22:32:31 -0400

So here’s the thing..

I’m a sinner.

Covered in sin.

Dirty.

Just totally soaked in sin.

I am aware of my sin, and I am afraid of who I am.

I allow Satan to come inside my head and tell me that there is no way in hell I can be saved again. That I have just fell so deep in this sin that there’s no way of getting out. That I broke way too many promises with God. That God simply cannot forgive someone who lies and turns their back on Him.

And I believe Him because most of me cannot see how anyone could ever love me. And this is where the insecurities come in. This is where I start to believe Satan because think about it.. How could God love ME? I broke easily over thousands of promises to him. I promised to never do these sins again, but I break it over and over.

This is just a circle of sinning. No way of getting out of it.

But wait. This is the part that gets me.

Why can I hear Him? Why can I feel His presence? Why can I hear His voice— It’s faint and so quiet that you have to literally be isolated from all the noise in your life. But I can hear Him. I can hear Him calling my name and telling me to come back.

And this is what gets me. Every. Time.

“Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. My beautiful daughter. Sarah. Come. Draw near to me. I forgive you. I love you. Let me hold you.”

And then I’m just falling so head over heels for Jesus. I’m just so lost in His love that Satan is losing his grip on me. That the enemy can’t even come close to this phenomenal bond between me and my Father.

And that’s it. That’s the answer. That’s the key.

The only power Satan has is the power you give to him.

So yeah. Sarah I know.

I know you’re falling short of God. I know you’re constantly screwing up. But He’s here. With you. He never left. He’s been here just waiting for you to cry on His shoulders. He’s been waiting for you to turn around and cling onto Him when things got difficult. He’s here for you because He loves you.

No sin. Nothing you do can stop Him from loving you. You will mess up again. You will fall short. You will get angry at Him. You will have your doubts again. You will try to run away again. But He won’t. He won’t stop forgiving you. He won’t fall short because His grace, His love, His mercies are not shortcoming. He will discipline you when it is needed. Because He cares. Because you are His. You are His daughter. Understand that. Grasp it. Breathe it in. Let it soak. When you have your doubts, He will come to reassure you. When you try to run away, He will chase after you.

So just turn around. Look ahead. Look beside you. He is always there. His arms are open. And don’t think you have to go to Him when you are ready. When you are cleansed. When you are not stuck in sin. Go to Him as you are.

Because here’s the thing. Here’s what is so beautiful about Jesus.

When He sees you. He sees a spotless, radiant, just absolutely stunning princess. His precious, most prized jewel. His love. The one He died for. And He is just longing to hold You.

That’s it. There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be ashamed of. Because that’s how much He loves you.

Sandy

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 22:08:18 -0400

Let’s just take a minute.. Drop everything we’re doing and pray for the families whose homes have been flooded, pray for the ones who have no electricity and their kids are cold, pray for the ones who lost someone so special to them.. Because Hurricane Sandy is such a devastating event. It isn’t as bad over in NOVA, but it’s effecting so many other parts in the east coast.

We are so blessed that our area isn’t flooded. We are so blessed to even be alive and safe. So just take this moment and pray for those who need the prayer.

Fanfics

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 01:06:32 -0400

I miss writing these.. I miss reading them. I miss the imagination. The joy of being able to pair up your two favorite characters. Last time I wrote one was 7 years ago. Now all I write about are useless things. Fanfics were.. Awesome.

Family

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:21:36 -0400

My family is the most chaotic family ever. We fight, scream, say the most hurtful things, take it back, do it again, and it’s like this ongoing cycle.. Like when is it going to end? It’s not. We aren’t going to stop messing up. And we aren’t going to give up either. My dad is this God fearing and God loving man, but he puts up this front as if nothing can bring pain to him. He’s so scared of being vulnerable to us because of the way his dad treated him. My mother is intimidating but has the biggest heart when it comes to forgiveness. My two brothers are exactly alike. They goof around, but never like to show when something is wrong. Esther is at that stage in her life where she’s all about dressing up and studying hard to get into a good school. And Grace, she’s full of life and energy. She loves being babied by all of us. But she knows that she’s different from the other kids and she’ll start to talk less because she doesn’t want to be made fun of. And then there’s me. The first child. I’m supposed to be the dream child. Smart, disciplined, studious, respectful, honest, and trustworthy. But instead I was the first child who broke my parent’s hearts.

And I can never take back my actions. But I don’t think I would have. Not to be cliche or anything, but everything in my past has led up to this very moment of my life. I can talk to my parents about whatever I want. If we don’t agree on things, we leave it at that but respect one another. We argue. We listen. We pray. We do everything together now. It’s not just me anymore. And I would much rather have all 6 of them and go through all the rough patches in life, than to live my life without them.

We aren’t perfect. No where.. Near perfect. But we’re all together. We’re learning. We’re growing. And that’s more than I could ever ask for. So really God, thank You. You are my greatest reward, yet You overflowed my cup with so much more blessings.

Bandit

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 01:59:52 -0400

I miss him a lot. Came home and looked around the house for him.. Totally forgot he wasn’t here anymore. But his new mother sends me updates everyday. He’s learning to use the doggy door and he cuddles with his new friend, Delia at night. He’s getting fixed on Friday, so she asked me to come next weekend to visit him. I’m so excited.. Kinda scared. I don’t think he thinks about me haha.

I can’t believe I’m so depressed. I try not to make a big deal out of it, but dang. Really miss my baby. It’s alright though.. He’s so much happier and comfortable at his new home.

It’s 5:07 AM right now.. And for some crazy reason I’m not tired whatsoever.. Barely got...

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 05:20:05 -0400

It’s 5:07 AM right now.. And for some crazy reason I’m not tired whatsoever.. Barely got any sleep these past few weeks.. Hm.

I feel pretty numb right now. Feeling really chill.. And kind of frozen. I miss Grace. I wonder if she’s sleeping well. I hope she is. She doesn’t deserve to be in so much pain. I can’t wait to visit her with balloons and a new stuffed animal. When she can come back home, we’re going to go shop for some new bedding stuff.

Everything else in my life is pretty whatever to me right now. The relationships I have with people are just not.. That important anymore. I’m not saying they don’t matter but the foundation that the relationships were based off don’t matter anymore.

Something I realized the other day was that Thursday was the first time I cried from any kind of sadness in.. So long. Thank You Jesus. I remember about 8 months ago I would cry every day because of the stress and emotional toil in my life.

You take very good care of me, Father.

Work was pretty chill today. I had a chance to explain to my boss’ fiance about what my calling was. Very briefly, but still. I was able to share Jesus’ light a little. There is still much more work to be done! The harvest is ripe.

A lot of people are telling me I changed, but nope. This is who I have always been. They say I’m a lot more mellow and calm.. I guess they just never saw this side of me because I hardly showed it these past few years.

No one really knows how introvert I am. I would rather be alone than to be around others. I’d rather observe than be in the spotlight. I like taking walks around the park alone. I like to just be by myself a lot. But I guess I just surrounded myself around people the past 4 years because of the pain I was carrying. I guess I needed people to be my support.

But I know better now.

I use to complain about living in Virginia.. But wow do I love it here. However.. I would like to just get away for a few days alone. Maybe run away and come back. Just temporarily take away all the noise and distractions in my life and be with Jesus.

Not saying that His presence isn’t here.. I just.. Want to be able to breathe.

Loss of Words

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 00:41:40 -0400

So I’m back from Kansas City… Haven’t gotten use to being back. Still processing everything I learned at CR. God is so good. I’m not even going to try and write about the things I witnessed and experienced in this blog because it’s all way too much haha. God is good, so good. He loves us so much. That’s basically it to sum it all up!

I thought it would be really hard to come back to Virginia and settle down, but everything has been going pretty well. A few bumps here and there, but that’s life! School started for me this past week and wow taking 17 credits and working 30+ hours is going to be a challenge. Hopefully I’ll be able to shorten my hours.. Because I totally neglected the fact that I need to do my 40 hours of observation before the end of October…

Which reminds me! I am now taking education classes, but was not aware of the fact that I had 40 hours of observation! How exciting is that?! Hopefully I will be able to observe at my youngest siblings elementary school! I would love to be an assistant in their class! I start in 2 weeks!

I can’t believe our dreams of me becoming a teacher is slowly happening! Never wanted to be a teacher until God put it in my heart to be one. It’s so funny because when I was a child I use to ALWAYS dream of becoming a teacher, but once I started going to school I absolutely HATED it and promised to never become one. And then bam what do you know, God says otherwise. HAHA, awesome humor Dad.. Awesome humor.

Mm, I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog… But I need to get some sleep! Night!

When I Say I Love You

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 10:49:55 -0400

It has been so long since I last wrote a blog about something meaningful… And it’s been months since I last wrote anything for you. I hope this makes you smile because that’s all I ever want to do for you.

Today marks our 45th month anniversary! Anthony, we always talk about how crazy and fast we fell for each other. Isn’t it crazy that we managed to last this long? We started this relationship so fast and made all the mistakes that we could together as a couple. And even after making the worst decisions of our lives, we constantly fell. And we didn’t always see eye to eye on a lot of things which made it so much harder to work. It’s been 3 and a half years and we still fight about the most stupid things ever. Almost everything stayed the same. Almost.

I can say this with all my heart that the only thing that has changed is how much love and effort you put into our relationship. I don’t say this enough.. But thank you. Thank you for keeping your promise. Thank you for trying every day to be the best boyfriend ever. Thank you for getting back up after every fall.

I love you always and forever, come whatever. I know how crazy, frustrating, messy, and challenging this relationship can get, but the hard times won’t get in the way of all the beautiful things that have come, and are still to come. When I say I love you, I don’t mean it for just that day or that moment. I mean it every day until my last breath.

Happy 45th month anniversary, Jongwoo.

September 21, 2008.

Dear mom,

Tue, 22 May 2012 19:58:44 -0400

I wish I could show you how much I appreciate everything you have done for me personally. The things you went through because of me.. I am the epitome of the worst daughter any parent could ask for. I cannot even begin to IMAGINE what kind of troubles are in your heart because of me. I am too ashamed to look you in the eye when we talk about my past. You have no idea how badly I want to take away your pain and burden.. I would carry all of that misery for you.

I am so sorry for everything. I know I tell you I am sorry more than I love you.. And that will change. You mean the world to me and I promise to be the daughter that you can be proud of. Like you said.. You have no idea how deep and wide my love for you is.

Love,

Oh Mi